I want to write something here, but everything I’d planned to write feels too trite and unimportant, or just too hard to put into words.
This morning I’d wanted to share about some of my favorite organizational tools, like great places I find dinner ideas or how I’ve been keeping on top of my to-do list. I wanted to share about all the positives I’ve experienced with sheltering in place, particularly how I’ve taken up running, discovered gardening, and fallen in love with my home and neighborhood since I’ve been spending so much time in it. I wanted to write about all the great books I’ve been reading lately (and there have been a lot!). I wanted to share about how I’m simplifying so much of my life and enforcing boundaries with certain toxic relationships, and how empowering and peaceful it feels. I want to write about how I want to take this blog in a new direction, one that isn’t just about writing or books, but about things that are deeply personal because I miss writing my heart in this space. I wanted to write about my failing faith, and how it has more to do with people who have let me down than anything else, but is confusing all the same. I wanted to write about my dismay with the state of my country, how disheartening it is to see that human rights and equality are a controversial issue. And I wanted to write about my struggles with writing in general, how certain negative voices won’t get out of my head, and how I’ve been battling feelings of inadequacy about anything I have to write, be it a novel or a simple social media post, or even a blog post…about the scary and tempting thought of quitting writing altogether, but also how writing is such a huge part of my identity, I don’t know who I am if I’m not a writer.
I want to write about all of this, and I plan to in the near future. But at this moment, I’d rather hear from you.
How are YOU doing? How are you holding up? What are you doing to care for yourself right now? What’s weighing on your mind?Â
I’m listening.
wow. it’s sort of impossible to think about anything else with you in the light of this:
“And I wanted to write about my struggles with writing in general, how certain negative voices won’t get out of my head, and how I’ve been battling feelings of inadequacy about anything I have to write, be it a novel or a simple social media post, or even a blog post…about the scary and tempting thought of quitting writing altogether, but also how writing is such a huge part of my identity, I don’t know who I am if I’m not a writer.”
‘Tempting’ thought, quitting? Lol. I don’t think so. What would you do with yourself? Scary thought? No scarier than anything else. I find a universe without writing not only infinitely more terrifying, but meaningless. Meaningless terror really sucks. And a little meaningful fear comes with the territory. It means you know how dangerous this writing stuff is. May you do no harm to yourself and others, and cause all sentient beings to rejoice immeasurably (by which I mean, of course, in an unmeasurable way, by making your teardrop fall into the ocean of suffering, a contribution of surrendered knowledge which registers only on the scale of face to face humans, in a tale told by an idiot.)
We haven’t even had a chance yet! Let me in, coach!
These are not the easiest of times. We are all hurting in one way or another, what we experience, what we see happening, the people we know … so much taking a hold of our lives, thoughts, and hearts. I have not been able to write a word of my new novel. I am a bit off center with everything that is going on. A lot of people are. I am looking forward to read your future posts, and wish you a healthy and happy life, and an enjoyable writing career. God bless you. You will be fine. We will be fine.