There was once a time when I used to dread my birthday. The first time was when I turned 31 years old, and realized I was officially in my 30s. It made me feel so old, realizing just how far away from my twenties I was. It didn’t help that my best friend and I went to Disneyland that year with my two kids, and I was surrounded by all these twenty-somethings in their cute little clothes with cute cartoons, and I was old and 31, and only getting older.
A few years later, I lamented about how hard it was to celebrate my birthdays now that I was getting older. To this, I received a reprimand from someone much older than me who basically said it was wrong to hate my birthday, especially being so young, and I should be grateful to be alive.
Thanks. That’s helpful.
I was talking about this with my coworkers today, who range from 29 to mid-50s, and we all come at birthdays a different way, and at different stages. For me, I think getting older was harder when I was in my 30s because I was looking back at all I missed. But now that I’m in the second half of my 40s, I love my birthday. My 40s have been amazing, and I love the person I’m becoming, especially as I settle more comfortably in my true self and away from my concern about what other people think.
I get why that person couldn’t comprehend my laments over age. She had passed that stage and was enjoying the comforts of middle age and beyond. But we should never assume everyone is of the same frame of mind, and honor people where they are at.
It’s totally okay to struggle with your age, to even cringe at the number you’ve reached. It’s also okay to celebrate each year with wild abandon, grateful for another year of life. Neither is wrong or right. It just is.
And today, I am celebrating.
Now that I am a wise crone of 46, I thought I’d share my wisdom with the younger generation some of the things I’ve learned over the years. If you have any advice to share, please do in the comments.
- There will come a time when you have to make a choice about your hair — to color or not to color. It is always your choice, but allow me to talk about letting my hair go natural. When I was young, one of my friend’s moms had beautiful long, silver hair, and I thought she was stunning. I vowed this would be me. And after years of dying away the silver, I made the choice to go natural in my late 30s. It was scary as hell, especially since I was still grappling with the age thing. But let me tell you, I now think it was one of the best decisions I ever made. For the first time in my life, I absolutely love my hair. It’s healthy, and it’s interesting. And maybe to some people I look older, but that’s only because society has made it hard for women to age naturally. But my hair is also what I receive the most compliments on. And I love seeing more and more women ditch the dye, even some celebrities. To me, my hair is beautiful.
- It is never too late to work on your health. This year, I finally addressed my issues with food and have released certain foods I know I can’t control myself around, and have created boundaries around my eating. As a result, I have also released a few pounds and feel so much happier and have more energy. I know this will only get better as my health journey continues. I thought this would be so hard, and in the beginning, it was. The idea of giving up some problematic foods forever was a hard pill to swallow. It’s still hard at times, especially when I’m in a group setting and can’t eat or drink what everyone else is having. But the peace and calm I feel around food is worth way more than any ingredient.
- Stop worrying about what other people think. This year, I finally felt like I just stopped caring what people thought, and let me tell you how freeing that is. And you know what the biggest thing is that I discovered? People care so much less about our stuff than we think they do, because they’re too worried about their own. Or their opinion just doesn’t make a ripple, especially when they aren’t investing in your life. If there’s a list of things about aging that rocks, the whole “not giving a shit what other people think” is at the top. This is my life, my books, my belief system and not anyone else’s. And this is your life, and you know what’s best for it. If you don’t, then spend some quality time by yourself and figure it out. Then stay true to it. Allow yourself to look silly. Lose the filters. Wear the bright clothes and experiment with your hair. Sing, loudly. Paint. Dance. Try new things and have the grace to fail. Then try again. Do the thing you’ve always wanted to do. And if they talk, which they might, let them talk. If they laugh, laugh with them. Then keep on doing it. Because if we all stop worrying about what other people think and just go live our lives, it could make the world a kinder, more interesting, less stressful place.
- Don’t forget your passions. For me, it’s writing books. But because I’m writing for the public, there’s this whole marketing component that gets in the way. There have been times when my focus on promotion, seeing what everyone else is doing, and bowing under the pressures of what I think I should be doing, I forget that my first love is writing. This year, I had a “fuck it” mentality when I wrote my Sunset Bay series. I stopped worrying about what other people would think about what I was writing, and I just wrote what I wanted. What made it even easier was telling myself I was quitting after this series. I’m not (maybe), but it gave me the freedom to just give it my all and not get distracted by social pressure because who the fuck cares? As a result, this is my best series yet, both in writing and in sales. But more important, it’s so much easier to write when you have a “fuck it” attitude.
- Strive for real connection. We all live in this weird fish bowl, thanks to social media. And it’s not even real. Most of it is following trends or posting silly things, or just putting something out there in hopes of interaction. And it’s all so canned and leaves us feeling lonelier than ever. I’m not saying social media is bad. There are a lot of groups I enjoy, and connections I’ve made because of social media. But it does not take the place of face to face interactions. Those little notification dopamine hits are a pale comparison to a real hug. Those DMs are nothing compared to long conversations. Sharing photos is not the same as seeing someone live in front of you. Step away from the computer and phone and into the arms of your friends. Make it a regular thing. Bonus: face to face is ad free.
Here’s to 46, and aging, and many, many birthdays to come. Thank you all for riding along with me!